Day 399 - Quitting Gambling
You don't have to become an anti gambling advocate or champion, but thinking you could be may be helpful in the beginning.
Day 399 - You don’t have to become an anti gambling advocate or champion, but thinking you could be may be helpful in the beginning
As I get over a year in recovery and beyond I look back on my early mindset when first quitting, when first getting through those incredibly tough first weeks and months. I will say that the first couple of months were not too hard, because I was so fed up with gambling and destroying my life that I just needed a break from it. Once that break was over though, the next few months were incredibly difficult and remain the toughest time. What got me through it was binging Gambling Addiction podcasts. Hearing other peoples stories, listening to the anti-gambling community and its amazing advocates.
I began fantasizing myself one day being on those shows, telling my story, talking to people, going to meetings, helping others. I never really did any of those things, but I thought about it a lot. It occupied my mind, thinking that not only could I quit gambling, but that I could one day help others. I had so much in my mind to say, things I wanted to vomit out and tell the world. Many of those things I have now written on this blog, writing these articles. It was these thoughts that first got me to start actually writing an sharing my thoughts. I am not sure how much writing these articles has helped in my own recovery but it is probably quite a bit.
Yet, I am not the advocate type, I am not the type of person to go on podcasts and talk about my problems. I am not the type of person to go to meetings and help others. I knew I wasn’t that type of person when I first starting thinking about it. Even today, I do not think I am am that type of person, and in some ways I don’t even want to be. I don’t want to make gambling, or anti-gambling, or gambling recovery the main thing in my life. I don’t want it to be my entire life. As much as I respect and am incredibly impressed with and thankful for the people who do decide to make that their life, it just is not me. Gambling has taken so much of my life, I don’t exactly want it to continue to occupy my life and mind.
However, when I was getting through those really tough months in the beginning, the thought that I could be that, that I could dedicate the rest of my life to anti-gambling, to addiction recovery… gave me something to hold on to. It was still mostly a fantasy, and even one based maybe on a sense of narcissism. At the time, It was helpful to think “I” had some unique insights, “I” had something special to say, “I” could help people as much or more then those that were helping me. Now, maybe I do have some unique things to say, but there are people who have done far more and dedicated far more of their lives to helping people. I will never match that, and I am perfectly content in that.
My point, is that even if at the end of it all I am probably not going to become a huge anti-gambling addict, I am probably not going to write a book (because my story isn’t all that exciting), I am probably not going to go back to school and become an Anti gambling counselor, I am probably not going to give talks at schools or lobby politicians. Even if I will likely never do any of these things, the idea that I could, that I wanted to, and that I would be good at doing so was a hope and a fantasy that I could use to occupy and busy my mind while trying to quit.
I don’t think this is unique things among recovering addicts, I imagine there is a bit of “honeymoon” phase of recovery where early success is matched with an desire to help others. It is the same kind of thing a student in school may think about, early success in academics matched with the desire to “do something very special” can have a student thinking once they get out into the real world they can change it. Then they get their first job and realize changing the world isn’t for them, they just want to live a good happy life. Yet, the belief that they could “change the world” was instrumental in getting them through college.
For the recovering gambler, it is the same, after a year in recovery I don’t really think about becoming an advocate anymore, or making my entire life the recovery community. I just want to live a good happy life. Yet, the belief that I could be a great advocate, that I could help others was instrumental in getting me through that first year.
At the end of the day, as I have said many times, gambling is about fantasy, and early in recovery you need to replace the fantasy of gambling with healthier and more realistic fantasies that you can focus on. Becoming an anti gambling advocate was one of those fantasies that I used to replace the gambling fantasy. We often see in recovery that many people throw themselves deep into the recovery community, trying to help others and we often see that those who do end up more successful then those who don’t. Yet, I often feel like sometimes a person could see this and say to themselves “well, that will never be me”, and maybe even be discouraged from recovery because they don’t see themselves as a “champion of recovery”. I want to say that it does not have to be you, but thinking it could be early on, even if is just fantasy, can be an incredible tool to get through the tough parts of recovery. To those that actually make it a reality… I thank you because without you I would never be here writing these articles, a year without gambling.