Day 271 - The key to change is knowing how wrong you were
Happy New Year, I am still going strong in my recovery. I wanted to talk about change, real change.. the kind of change that makes you a different person (or rather, lets you unlock your true authentic self). Changing your life, your personality, your thoughts and your behaviors as an adult is incredibly difficult. Indeed, it may be the hardest single thing an adult can do. If you look on social media, or watch TV and the news you may come to the belief that changing your life as an adult is actually easy. I mean, look at all the before and after pictures on social media, look at all the celebrated people who we hear about running marathons, or climbing mountains. Look at all the celebrities and stories about people who have “made their own way”, who have “changed” their life for the better. If all you do is pay attention to media, you might think everyone else is changing themselves, doing it easily, and for whatever reason only you are the one who can’t change.
But think about it, the media isn’t talking about this stuff because it is common, you don’t get stories about adults becoming entrepreneurial, or the fat guy who is now running a marathon because it is common. You get these stories because they are rare. It is the same with “bad” news, like disasters and crime. The news reports on these because they are actually rare events. The problem is, the way social media works, the way the mainstream media works, is they want to present the idea that these rare things are actually incredibly common, happening everyday, and developing a trend. They are trying to sell a narrative, a narrative that everyone else is doing great, except you. They are trying to sell a narrative that the world around you is going to shit, and you should be afraid. At the end of the day, you shouldn’t take any insights from social media or media in general, because it is, most of the time trying to sell you a false narrative.
Real change is hard, and it isn’t talked about how hard it is. If real change was easy, alcoholism wouldn’t be a massive issue that is costing healthcare billions of dollars. If real change was easy, you wouldn’t have addiction centers, and the worst opioid crisis in history going on. If real change was easy, you be hearing a lot of stories about recovered addicts, about people who have recovered from depression, about people who have recovered from suicidal intentions, about racists reforming. We see stories about this one person, or one example, and think it is easy, think everyone can do it… But if it was so easy we wouldn’t have these problems. Real change, as an adult, is the hardest thing in the world.
So what is the true key to actually changing yourself? The one essential element that is required for change to occur and last? Let me go through an example with my own gambling addiction. I tried quitting casually many times, saying things to myself like “I won’t gamble ever again”, “I am going to try quitting for a few months”… but you know what I was also thinking at the same time? I was thinking “Someday I will enjoy a little gambling again”, I was thinking “If only I had infinite money I could just enjoy myself gambling”, I was thinking “I really do enjoy gambling, it sucks I have to give it up”.
Notice a problem? On one hand I was telling myself I wanted to quit, yet at the same time I was, deep down, keeping this idea that I actually wanted to gamble, that I liked it, enjoyed it, and someday wanted to return to it. Imagine trying to go on a diet and thinking thoughts like “I really enjoy cake, it is a shame I have to give it up”, “I will enjoy a nice cake to myself once I hit my weight goals”. I think a lot of people actually do this, and in my opinion, it is the key thing stopping actual change, the thing that leads us back to the addiction.
If, in our heart, we don’t actually WANT to quit, we don’t actually HATE the behavior, we don’t actually want to quit FOREVER… then change is pretty much impossible. You have to realize that YOU ARE WRONG. You want to actually change, but you are wrong about your relationship with the behavior. You need to change your relationship with the behavior entirely.
I WAS WRONG THAT I ENJOY GAMBLING
I WAS WRONG THAT GAMBLING HELPED ME ESCAPE EMOTIONAL PAIN
I WAS WRONG THAT I WANTED GAMBLING TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE
Once I fully accept this, and when I say accept I mean, FUCKING ACCEPT IT! don’t just believe it, KNOW IT!, then change becomes natural. There is no longer a conflict with “What I want and should do” versus “What I really want deep down”, they are now the same thing. I Don’t want to gamble ever again, and deep down inside… I don’t want to gamble ever again. Once these two parts of yourself align.. change becomes far easier. The hard part is admitting you were wrong, and that you are probably wrong about other things. Today, I would say I am probably wrong about most things in my life, and I am happy for knowing that, because now I can start changing, start making the correct choices.