Day 213 - Introspecting the future self
When most people think about introspection, myself included, it is often implied that this introspection is done either in the present, or more commonly, the past. When people think about “deep introspection” it usually relates to a deep “looking back”, we introspect within the context of our own history. We try to find out the why’s of our actions, why we did X over Y, why we felt X over Y. We look to the past because it is what we have most available. I have 30 years of life I can look back on and dissect for insight. I start re-evaluating every action, every choice, every relationship, every feeling I had.. in the past. Certainly there is much to learn in this practice. When it comes to me quitting my own gambling addiction I would say the first steps to this were as follows:
1, Loving something other then myself
2, Learning to love myself and be kinder to myself
3, Forgiving my past self
4, Understanding my past self
Understanding my past self, through deep introspection was a crucial element to understanding my addiction and understanding my self, and ultimately the things I needed to change about myself. Yet, at the same time… introspecting my past self was something I had always done, even deep in addiction. Indeed, introspecting done the wrong way (without those first 3 steps outlined above), can lead to shame and depression. Indeed, introspecting my past self in an unhealthy way often led me back to gambling.
So, healthy introspection of the past is good and necessary… but what about the future? I think in many ways I was afraid of introspecting my future self, because gambling had skewed that future self so much. In the addiction, the only thing I could imagine for myself in the future was either completely delusional (I would win at gambling, fix my life) or was completely depressing (I would never quit and be miserable, or at worst take my own life). In a previous article I even talk about how this delusional fantasy, and even the depressed fantasy, were major components of the “drug” that is gambling addiction. In many ways, my inability to introspect about my future self in a healthy way was the main element bringing me back to gambling. Why?
One of the things I have been doing in my recovery is dedicating at least 30 minutes to an hour everyday of learning philosophy. This can be reading books, listening to audio books, or watching videos on youtube. (Check out Mark Thorsby on youtube if you are interested in philosphy, his videos have been a huge part of my recovery https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCh613185XS3ttEUA8UYnPuw ) Sometimes I come across insights which just scream out to me and I have a thought like “wow…that actually explains my addiction in some way”. One of those things was the following quote:
“Chance is a lack of anticipation”
Now, in the context of the video I grabbed this from it was talking about the question of Good and Evil and how can Evil exist in the world if God is all good. But, removed from that context the quote is a staggering insight into my own gambling problem. I was never able to, in a healthy way, anticipate my own future self. I couldn’t see myself being a happy person, being a rich person, being a married person, being a healthy person, being a “normal” person. I could never think of a way for me to be happy that made sense. Even as a kid, I knew I had some serious issues with social anxiety and that always brought me to feelings like “I will never be normal”, “I will never be liked”. When you live with these thoughts for years, for decades, it becomes impossible to anticipate a future self which made sense to me.
But, here there was, a slot machine, a sports bet, a poker tournament, here was CHANCE. I deluded myself to believe that I had no way to a good future, to the future I wanted, and the only option I had… was the spin of the wheel. You know the old saying “Jesus take the wheel!”? In many ways I was saying “Gambling take the wheel!” because I did not believe I could steer my own life. There was a comfort in that, that I could just give my future over to something else. I had more faith that a 1 in a million slot spin would bring me happiness, then me finding it without gambling. I had more faith in winning the lottery, then trusting myself. That is pretty damn sad in my opinion. Yet, I think many gambling addicts would identify with this.
When I can’t see a realistic plan to get to the future I want… I look to chance, I look to gambling. Thus, one of the major elements of me quitting gambling has been envisioning my future self while trying to strip away the depressive elements and trying to strip away the delusional elements.
The first part of this is scaling back your “dream” future. This future had been so skewed by gambling. Today, the only elements of my dream future are “freedom, lack of stress, and enjoying reality”. My future “dream” is no longer composed of things I “want”. My future introspection doesn’t include a big house, a big car, a hot wife, parties everyday, being rich. Much like how I talk in my other articles where recovery is about reclaiming the past self, recovery is just as much reclaiming the future self. When I have reclaimed this future self I can begin to build an actual plan for it.
That plan includes working hard on myself, exercising daily, going for walks, learning about philosophy, enjoying the things I do have, playing chess, writing these articles. What it doesn’t include is gambling… what it doesn’t include is chance.
When I can anticipate a healthy future self I no longer need to turn to chance to try and get there. Without my life being ruled by chance I find myself free. In giving up chance, I have already achieved my “dream” future. In giving up chance I find freedom, a lack of stress, and an enjoyment of reality. My past self, present self, and future self are in harmony.